Give and Take
by O'MalleytheAlleyCat
Summary: Season 8 AU. Sam did find Dean in purgatory, he made a deal. Dean finds out and they are left struggling to put the humpty dumpty of their relationship back together again. Sam hurt/angry, Dean angry/devastated.
1. Chapter 1

**Give and Take**

* * *

 _"I give you one last chance_

 _You give me excuse after excuse"_

-Roger McGough

* * *

A/N: This story is dark, like, look at all those sweet little plot bunnies aren- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS PURE IS THAT! It's looking at me funny! Why is it looking at me like that?! Oh-ohno! AHHHHH!

Warnings: Cussing, rated M for non-explicit rape. Angst.

 _Italicized, video_

* * *

Dean was tired and the deep tickle that sat in his mind was going to town. He needed to kill something and to do it outside of his brother's pissy, brooding, civilian presence. Hence him standing in Benny's motel room, Beretta loaded with silver and a Bowie strapped to his thigh. They'd found a group of vampires and werewolves living in harmony together. Of course, that meant an insane amount of kills that were being very well covered up. It was perfect, dangerous, and just like Purgatory. Dean needed to relive those moments, the purity of killing, blood falling and staining the ground and the constant rush of adrenaline. It left a person hollow, but it was the kind of hollow that allowed you to live with yourself, it took out all the good but it also took out all the bad, took away the pain and guilt.

Dean was mad at Sam, pissed beyond belief, however more than that he was hurt. He couldn't take anymore pain, couldn't live himself and the next best thing to a bullet to the head was living back in Purgatory where the only thing he had to worry about was kill or be killed. Benny though was putting a dent in that plan, where the hell was that bastard?

Dean sat down for the fifth time, body buzzing. He'd been waiting a while, Benny had met him here before then saying that he had to clear something up at the job he worked at, a little pub tucked away in Alabama. From how long it was taking, Dean had a feeling Benny was caught up with work. What the hell was he supposed to do in the meantime?

Moving over to the bag that Benny kept, Dean began snooping. He had time and energy, also he couldn't help but wonder what a vampire would keep with them. Benny had had the chance to settle into the motel, obviously using it as a more than temporary living arrangement. Clothing wasn't interesting and Benny didn't have much. Dean shut the drawers to the shitty dresser that was barely standing in the corner of the room. There were a few weapons tucked away in a duffel bag, nothing Dean hadn't seen and not of a quality to catch his eye.

It was the laptop which caught his interest. He didn't think Benny even knew how to use one, let alone would keep one personally. Dean opened it up. He wasn't extraordinarily tech savvy, that was more of Sam's field of expertise, apparently rooming with a computer science major had allowed Sam to pick up on quite a few tricks, ones he'd built on throughout their hunting career. Dean did know his way around though.

No internet connection, not even an application installed to open the web browser. No saved documents, the thing was nearly clean, except for a set of video logs that ranged over a year long period. The first one was dated maybe a month after he landed in purgatory, right around the time he met Benny. The rest picked up about six months after that, right around the time Dean returned, and continued for the next seven months. In fact, one was quite recent, only a week and a half old. In total their were eight.

That was, strange. Dean hesitated only a moment in thinking about breaching Benny's privacy. For some reason the dates bothered him though, and respectful friend lost out to the hunter he'd been raised to be. Dean clicked on the first one.

It was of Sam and Benny, standing in a motel room. Dean stiffened, this did not look good. He clicked play.

 _"This is in agreement," Sam said._

 _He was standing in front of the camera, profile showing. Benny stood opposite of him._

 _"Aye," Benny replied._

 _Sam coughed, glancing quickly at the video._

 _"You can start," Sam prompted._

 _Benny looked to the camera, "This really necessary? Recording it? I mean, I may be a vampire but I keep a deal, word by word is good enough. I trust ye to keep your side and ye trust me to keep mine."_

 _Sam shook his head, body stiff, coiled to fight._

 _"No, I have a habit of getting screwed over by supernatural things, so we're going to document this so that any civil disagreement can be dealt with promptly," Sam replied._

 _"And uncivil?" Benny asked._

 _"I chop your head off or you rip my throat out, whoever gets there first I suppose," Sam said coldly._

 _There was a moment of silence._

 _"Aye then, I'll say it," Benny acquiesced._

 _"I, Benjamin Lafitte, give solemn oath, to enter Purgatory, find Dean Winchester and upon not dying, to retrieve him from there using the exact spell Sam Winchester has supplied for me. I will not harm Dean Winchester, nor tell him of this contract," Benny said._

 _"I, Sam Winchester, give solemn oath, to put myself in Benjamin Lafitte's debt to be paid once a month, in any form he so desires, for the total of eighteen months, the task is to take no longer than 48 hours, I will not refuse any deed asked for so long as it does not lead to the injury or death of Dean Winchester, or the injury or death of any innocent persons," Sam replied._

 _Sam and Benny clasped forearms, grips firm. They released each other._

 _"I suppose we cut my head off now?" Benny said._

 _Sam gave a nod, already moving toward the camera._

 _"We'll need somewhere to keep your body that Dean can-"_

The video ended. Dean's jaw was clenched so hard his teeth were shooting with pain. His hands were clasped together, white knuckled and his short, unkempt nails digging into the callused flesh of his skin. The next video was counting down already, twenty seconds given until it played. Dean couldn't process what he'd just seen, couldn't comprehend it. Anger was stirring, pure fury, the sharp, bitter bite of betrayal and worst of all, more guilt. Sam, God Sam.

Ten seconds till it started. How could Sam lie to him? How could Benny really be a backstabbing bastard? Really though, given his life, how could Benny not be a backstabbing bastard? Grief hit for a moment, so potent it threatened to overwhelm him, it was a drop diluted quickly by Dean's growing rage. The next video started.

It was another motel room.

 _"Why are we documenting this?" Benny's voice sounded on the camera, but Sam was still adjusting it and all that could be seen was flannel._

 _It settled and the flannel moved away so the bed of the motel was seen. Benny was sitting there, arms loosely set on his thighs and his back slightly hunched. Sam sat down next to Benny._

 _"Because, we need evidence, I'm giving and meeting my part of the deal. Dean doesn't get hurt," Sam said._

 _"I wouldn't, not Dean, he's a good man," Benny said quietly, voice pitched in attempts for reconciliation._

 _"But you still want your deed, so we're going to do this," Sam replied, cold fury flowering his tone._

 _Benny's body language spoke to an attempt to look safe, and reconciling. There was guilt lingering there too, the guilt of someone taking something even as they knew they shouldn't. They both sat there, the moment floating, reaching no point of further movement._

 _"Get on with it," Sam grit out._

 _It prompted Benny into action. Benny turned to Sam._

 _"Best to do it on the arm, upper if you don't mind, you said your brother is less likely to see," Benny instructed._

 _Sam gave a grunt in response and began unbuttoning his shirt. He pulled it off and was left in a white under shirt. He rolled a sleeve up and then offered his arm. Benny grabbed it, teeth protracting and then sinking into flesh. Sam's face tightened at the bite but he didn't make a sound. Minutes ticked by and Sam grew pale, his body started to lean and though he fought it, Benny didn't. The vampire eased him onto the bed and continued feeding. Another minute later and Benny came up. Sam looked so dazed, eyes glazed over with blood loss and body beginning to tremble minutely._

 _"Hey, hey," Benny said, patting Sam's face to see how well he would respond, "no going and dying, alright, no need for shock, why don't ye talk to me."_

 _Sam nodded jerkily but he didn't say anything._

 _"C'mon, anything at all, best to keep talking while I get you something to drink, tell me why?" Benny said, starting to get up._

 _Sam blinked in confusion._

 _"Why what?" He rasped out._

 _Benny disappeared from the view of the camera but he could be heard moving something around._

 _"What makes a man worth letting a vampire use you as a juice box?" Benny asked, genuine curiosity in his voice._

 _Sam's head weakly moved from side to side, "you-" he breathed in, "you wouldn't understand."_

 _Benny reappeared with a banana and a container of chocolate protein milk._

 _"Tell me," Benny prompted._

 _Sam turned his head and looked at Benny._

 _"I'd do anything for Dean, he's my brother," Sam said, eyes steady and dead serious._

 _Benny went quiet._

 _"T-turn off the camera, turn it off now," Sam said, eyes clenching shut in pain, both physical and mental._

 _Benny nodded, setting the banana and drink down. His figure occluded the view of the camera and a moment later it clicked off._

The video ended and immediately the third one popped up, a twenty second countdown once again showing. It hit Dean that the video he'd just watched was dated before he went to meet Sam, Benny had gotten to his brother before him. In fact, it was just a day before. It meant that when Dean had met up with Sam his brother had been suffering from blood loss. Dean couldn't watch anymore, he slammed the laptop shut and stood up, hand dragging over his face and then pulling at his hair. What was he supposed to do?

Benny wasn't back yet. Dean didn't want to be here for when the vampire did come back because Dean was ready to kill and there was no way he would restrain himself from chopping Benny's head off. Dean seized the laptop and stepped out, headed for the car he'd jacked. He'd left the Impala with Sam after informing Sam that he was going to spend time hunting with Benny. His brother had argued, sharp, angry and if Dean was being honest hurt, but Dean had brushed him off with angry words that were meant to bite. Sam had bit back, but it didn't really matter, Dean had already stopped listening.

Once in the car Dean slammed his hands into the steering wheel, spitting out cusses and feeling hopelessly stuck. He'd messed things up again, he'd been lied to, manipulated, used. It felt old hat, like a mindless trick used to make him suffer, see how much the Winchesters can be made to hurt. The past eight years had logged quite a bit in his book, the death of his father, forty years in Hell, the loss of his brother two times, meeting the love of his life and having to leave her, the death of his other father figure, betrayal after betrayal by people he cared about fiercely. He wasn't one to complain about his lot in life, he'd known from the time he was four and carried his brother out of a fire that life wasn't going to be easy. But at some point it became too much, the weight bore down and it broke the shoulders of the greatest man. He was not Atlas, he couldn't hold up the world.

Dean turned the car on and began driving, he was several states away from where he left Sam, considering what he'd just watched the tiny lurking fear that Sam would be gone was unjustified. Sam hadn't checked out, his brother had checked in and then decided to go broke making sure Dean stayed with him. Dean couldn't figure out what hurt more, the idea that Sam wouldn't look for him at all or the fact that his brother was being hurt. After being angry and hurt and so utterly cruel to his brother it seemed absurd that he wanted it to go back to when Sam wasn't the one being hurt.

Dean's phone began ringing. He glanced at the ID and saw that it was Benny. He flipped the phone open and held it to his ear.

"What the fuck do you want?" Dean said.

"Dean, you saw," Benny stated.

"Yeah, I did, don't call me again, don't go near me or my brother," Dean said before quickly flipping the phone shut.

He hadn't needed a threat, Benny knew what he was capable of.

Hours later of driving and night had fallen. Dean knew he could probably just drive through the night, but he wasn't quite ready to face Sam. Whether he wanted to or not, he felt responsible for watching the next six videos. He needed to know what his brother had suffered, be able to look him in the eye and manage this.

Dean stopped at a motel and got a room. He didn't even think of a bar, instead settling himself at the table, the laptop opened in front of him. Dean ordered food and then opened the computer. Its life was at half and the video was still on countdown. Now open it continued ticking down. Then it started.

Like all the others it was in a motel.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Mentions of sexual assault. Nothing explicit, that is soooo not my cup of tea. This stuff happens though, I mean not vampires and stuff, but rape does. The first step to changing the world is being able to look the problem in the eye and acknowledge what it is.

Thanks to all who have followed and reviewed! They feed my creepy little ego, so thanks for not letting it starve, imagine a cross between Golem, Joffrey Baratheon and Barney, that's my ego.

* * *

 _Sam was once again setting the camera up. When he moved away from the camera he sat down on the bed. Benny was waiting for him once again, sitting in a similar position as last time._

 _No words were exchanged as Sam stripped out of his outer flannel and once again rolled up his sleeve. The previous bite mark was showing, mostly healed and obviously going to leave a nasty scar. Sam proffered his arm to Benny and the vampire took it. He bit and Sam's jaw tightened. What followed was very similar to what had happened before. After so long, Sam grew pale, sweaty and obviously dizzy, Benny leaned him back onto the bed, continuing to feed. This time though, Benny didn't stop._

 _A horrible moment came, the one where Sam obviously lost consciousness. Benny kept going, then he seemed to realize that his food was unresponsive and he pulled back._

" _Sam?" Benny said, mouth stained red._

 _Sam didn't respond._

" _Shit," Benny muttered under his breath as he realized exactly what had happened._

 _Benny's fingers went to Sam's neck. Whatever he felt was expressed with relief._

" _Took too much," Benny mumbled, quickly standing up and moving about the room._

 _He elevated Sam's feet, grabbed the blankets from the other bed and threw them around Sam. At some point, as Benny was setting up an I.V., he noticed the camera and flicked it off._

The video ended and Dean felt sick. He remembered that time. It had been about a month into them working together and Sam had disappeared for several days. He'd come back looking sick and unwell, Dean hadn't paid much mind though because immediately he'd assumed his brother had been visiting Amelia, Sam had agreed with him, and they had then argued. Guilt was stirring in him, familiar and just as painful.

The next video popped up and Dean clicked on it, not wanting to spend the twenty seconds waiting for the video to play and in turn contemplating his feelings on the whole thing.

Dean knew this date, it was a day after the nasty situation that Dean had coined as 'the penny incident'. His recall of what he'd said while under supernatural influence had been initially hazy and half obscured. As time had gone on it had become much more clear. Dean had been angry and guilty, but with the congested tension between them, the way they weren't in touch, it had lead to silence rather than apologies or kind words. Watching these videos now, Sam's words and ultimatum at the car made more sense. With hesitation, Dean clicked on the video.

 _The camera turned on to show Sam, face blank and attempting to stave off emotion. It was recognizable from the many, many harrowing events of the Winchester lives and of the many, many fights that had happened between the once three and now two men._

 _Sam turned from the camera and approached Benny. In silent exchange Sam rolled his sleeve up and Benny grabbed the arm. The vampire hesitated though._

" _You're brother called me, said a few things, none good," the vampire started hesitantly, obviously trying to prod at something he thought he could fix or at least make a little better._

 _Sam flinched at the statement and the blank look slipped and despair replaced it._

" _There's nothing to say," Sam replied, voice heavy._

 _Benny wasn't giving up yet._

" _Y'know, your brother does care for you," Benny said, attempting to be reassuring._

 _Sam shook his head, fervor entering his gaze._

" _No," Sam said, still shaking his head._

" _No, he gave up," Sam said ferociously, eyes blazing in pain and utter belief in what he was saying._

 _Benny pulled back, dropping the arm as Sam's intensity rose._

" _And I did that, he gave up on trusting me years ago, I'm not Sam, I haven't been since the day I died, he's just carrying around an old corpse out of duty. I was stupid! I was so stupid 'cause I thought-I thought if I made things better, if I could suffer, years, I did, I tried, I should be back there still 'cause it didn't make anything better, I'll never be able to atone for what I am-"_

" _C'mon now," Benny said, hands raised placatingly, he obviously hadn't realized that the shit under the Winchester bridge was enough to backup New York's sewer system and more._

 _Sam's gaze became distant and hazy, his eyes snapped to Benny after a few strange moments._

 _Sam shook his head, lost in his crushing guilt and perceived evils. He offered his arm out again. Benny took it this time, willing to snatch at any relief from the uncomfortable conversation that he had started._

" _He-he gave up back when I was crazy," Sam whispered._

" _Drinking himself to death, willing, wanting to die even though he knew, he knew I-I couldn't-" Sam broke off._

 _It was silent for a few moments, Benny drinking while Sam stared off looking lost._

" _I'm still a monster," Sam said quietly, brows drooping in understanding and his gaze trailing to the floor._

 _He blinked a few times, body swaying. Benny guided him down. It was silent for a while, Sam's eyes languidly blinking._

" _I miss Dean," Sam whispered, sounding final and hopeless, eyes brimmed with tears._

 _Benny finished, pulling off Sam and leaving the man on the bed while he turned the camera off._

The video ended and before the next one could come on a screen popped up, alerting Dean to the fact that the computer had five percent of battery life. Dean blinked, not quite understanding. He hadn't been paying attention, strung out by the videos, eyes glued to them. Hastily he shut the top. He hadn't grabbed the charger from where Benny was staying. He needed one.

Hastily cramming the laptop in his bag, Dean glanced at the time, it was too late or too early to go anywhere to buy a charger. Except maybe a corner store. Willing to try his luck, Dean headed out. The walk was giving him time to think. He remembered exactly what he'd said to Sam under the influence of the penny. He regretted the words, but there had been some small part of him that felt vindicated.

Now he just felt crushed. Sammy thought he hated him, wanted him dead. His Sammy, the Sammy he'd given up on. Last year, well, last last year, back with the leviathans, it had been hard. After Bobby, well, Sam wasn't completely wrong in saying that Dean had given up in certain aspects. He'd been so tired then, and Sam, well it hadn't seemed like Sam had needed him. The apocalypse had broken many things, but the most precious had been the absolute and utter trust that lay between the two brothers. Once injured, a person is not soon to forget, especially not if a haunted penny is throwing it all back at you.

Dean leaned against a corner building, closing his eyes as tears threatened. This was too much. Sam had needed him and had sacrificed and all the while Dean had been throwing the past in Sam's face.

Hurrying to the store, Dean purchased a charger, thankful that the laptop was extremely generic. Heading back to the motel, he plugged the laptop in. Dean hesitated in watching the next video. Feeling like a coward he left the laptop to charge and began sipping on the bottle of Jack he'd purchased alongside the electronic device.

He passed out, guilt throwing him into a restless state of unconsciousness.

The next morning he felt like shit and woke to the electronic buzzing of his phone. Glaring blearily at the offending device he read the called ID. It was Sam. He answered.

"Sam?" His voice was crap.

Sam seemed to catch this.

"Hey, umm, I was just calling to check in, 'cause you didn't meet the forty eight hour call," the main sound in Sam's voice was annoyance, pure bitchery so Sam like that Dean felt like crying. Under it all though was fear, fear that Dean realized had been in every angry argument they had had. Sam was terrified for and of Dean; for Dean getting hurt and of Dean leaving. This wasn't new but it was the first time since coming out of Purgatory that Dean recognized it.

It was too early, and Dean was too hungover to be feeling so wholesomely like shit. It seemed that he lived to be a well rounded individual of fuckwittery.

"I'm fine Sam," Dean said, lying through his teeth.

There was silence on the other end.

"Okay," Sam said, obviously not believing him but not calling him out.

"Just-uh, take care of yourself, yeah?" Sam's voice was fragile and hesitant now and Dean let out a deep sigh of regret, this was on him.

Sam read the sigh wrong.

"If that's not too much to ask," he said testily.

The phone call ended.

Dean flipped the phone closed. Sitting up he let his aching head rest in his hands. Several seconds later he was rushing to the bathroom. The whole bottle he'd devoured last night making a much unwanted encore appearance.

He cleaned up, not caring to shave and climbing back into the clothes he'd been wearing yesterday. He got in the car, set the laptop on the seat next to him and couldn't help but feel like a coward. Dean would watch it later, later he told himself.

Later was when he stopped at the motel Sam was in. He considered going in and confronting his brother. He needed all the facts first, he needed to see the rest of the videos. Pulling the computer to his lap he turned it on and clicked on the next video.

 _It started like many of the other videos, a cheap shit hole motel room. Sam was the one turning the camera on. When he stepped back Benny came into view. The vampire was tense, limbs quivering and eyes blown wide. He was clenching and unclenching his fists, looking on the edge. Sam just appeared tired and exhausted._

 _No words were exchanged as Sam sat on the bed and stripped away his jacket and overshirt. He held his arm up and Benny, who had been on the edge of his seat trembling with anticipation practically jumped on Sam. He began feeding, a hand coming up to grip Sam's shoulder. With a quick movement he shoved Sam down on the bed and threw a leg over him, straddling Sam._

" _Wha-" Sam started._

 _He was interrupted as Benny pulled away so he could bodily force Sam onto the bed better. Sam let out a noise and immediately began to struggle._

" _This, I want this, our deal," Benny gasped out in broken phrases as he re-positioned himself over Sam._

 _Sam's eyes held fear and trepidation, but he didn't fight. Benny wrapped a hand in Sam's hair and yanked his head back harshly, Sam's neck was bared to him. Sam jerked back as Benny pressed his nose into Sam's neck and took in a deep breath._

" _What the hell are you doing, Benny?" Sam asked, voice trembling, even as Benny ran his tongue from Sam's collar bone up to the underneath of his jaw._

" _Getting my fucking end of the deal," Benny replied._

 _He sank back into Sam's arm and Sam let out a grunt of pain. Then Benny began rutting against Sam, harsh short jerk's that caused denim to roughly slide against denim._

 _Sam's jaw was clenched but he was obviously shaking, face pale from both the blood loss and what was happening._

 _Benny pulled off Sam's arm and turned his focus solely to rutting against Sam. Sam was lax, eyes glazed over and head lolling deliriously. Benny thrust forward a few more times before his body shuddered in climax. He climbed off Sam, leaving the taller man sprawled on the bed, ill looking and half unconscious. Blood was smeared on Benny's face and as he approached the camera he wiped at it with the back of his hand. His eyes were wild, coming down from whatever desperate high had drove his actions. He looked guilty and scared of what he'd done._

 _A moment later the camera flicked off._

Dean was sitting in the Impala outside the motel that he'd left Sam in. He felt gutted. The computer was hot on his lap, uncomfortable. The car was idling and Sam was just a few hundred feet away in a motel room waiting for his brother who had accused him of giving up, of being less than a vampire. No wonder Sam hated Benny, no wonder he was so angry whenever Dean mentioned him. It made Dean sick to remember all the times he'd defended Benny, all the times he'd thrown it in Sam's face that Benny was better, or stronger, or more trustworthy than Sam.

The seconds passed quickly and soon enough the fifth video started.

 _Benny was standing, fists clenched and that same nervous energy surrounded him. Sam straightened from where he'd turned the camera on and he faced the vampire._

" _I-last time, I want that again, maybe more, this is part of the deal, whatever I want," Benny spoke as if he was expecting Sam to argue._

 _Sam was tense, but his eyes were somber and broken. There was no fighting light in them and the broad shouldered behemoth just looked weary._

" _If you're going to fuck me, I have a few rules," Sam said, meeting Benny's gaze. The vampire flinched away from it but nodded 'yes' all the same._

" _No physical damage, use protection and when this deal is over, make sure you're off the radar because I am going to kill you."_

 _Benny gulped and nodded, seeing that the Winchester brothers could be equally frightening. He had no doubt Sam Winchester had the ability to make and keep that promise. Sam deflated then, eyes flicking to the side. He appeared shaky._

 _Pulling off his over shirt, Sam hands went to his belt next. Benny stopped him._

" _When we're on the bed, I'll feed first," Benny spoke hesitantly._

 _Sam stopped, left his belt as it was and sat on the bed, rolling up his sleeve. Benny set into it with gusto, feeding till Sam was layed back on the bed. Benny stopped, straddled Sam and started to undo his pants. The vampire then flipped Sam over, hands going down and beginning to yank Sam's pants down. A hand went to his own pants and-_

Dean stopped the video. He had told himself going into this that he would watch it all, experience everything alongside his brother. This though, not, not this. Dean quickly surged from the car, mind passing through what no doubt came next in the video, what happened to his brother. He vomited at the side of the Impala. Sex under duress was rape, wasn't it? Dean still felt sick. He remembered his own times in Hell, where torture was anything that broke the mind. Dean had never wanted to think of Sam in those same circumstances, even though he knew that with so much time in the Cage Lucifer had probably done worse. This was too real though, not set away in some unreachable pit, this was a video of someone Dean had considered a friend doing the unspeakable to his brother because it satisfied his needs.

There were three more videos left, three more that undoubtedly got worse.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Dear Readers, thank you for your patience. This fic had a tug of war with me. I was just going to end it next chapter with a tearful reunion, no mention of the last videos and Sam and Dean's relationship relatively renewed. My plot bunny told me no. So I was at an impasse, wanting to end it but not being able to. I apologize for the delay, for any inconsistencies or inadequacies. I feel like I don't do justice to the subject, I just hope that all the readers are relatively satisfied.

* * *

Dean stared at the computer, considered it, weighed it with his eyes and tried to imagine that it was something else. Sam's oblation to Dean stood etched in its hard drive, his brother's sacrifice while reality stood as a cruel antipodal illustrating a brother who seemed like he could care less. Dean should have known, he kept repeating that to himself, that his true nebbish nature was revealed in moments like this when Sam crucified himself to be received in anger by someone who had come to represent his savior and persecutor, suffragist and jailer, clement brother and castigating partner.

* * *

Flashback

 _"Go left," Dean's voice was a bare whisper, wrists crossed over each other with a flashlight in one and his gun in the other, his knees were bent and his eyes were luminous and wild, a light in them which hadn't been there just a year ago. It scared Sam, Dean could see it, and a part of him relished in the fact that his brother was afraid, of him, and he loved the control his brother's fear gave him._

 _Sam gave a curt nod, eyes perennially creased with a look that crossed between concern, worry, and frustration. Then he moved off to the left and Dean continued on his path._

 _He loved this, body shivering with the anticipation of blood, a thrill shooting through his body like electricity - an all consuming feeling that seemed to resonate with some deep superannuated gene of aggression which humans had shoved into the darkest parts of their history - and his senses working as they had been meant to._

 _Movement caught his ears and with reflexes honed by the endless act of violence that Purgatory embodied he swivelled and fired just as a creature came lunging at him. The half formed werewolf collapsed to the ground and Dean's mouth creviced into a minatory slash of white teeth and bared lips, a smile he would call it._

 _Shots rapined his ears and were followed by a shout of pain that could only be afforded to the ownership of Sam. Dean ran, he called his brother's name, this was habit not intention. Sam was on the ground, hand cradling his arm. Dean's eyes swept the room before he allowed himself to approach Sam. Two bodies were splayed grotesquely around Sam and he was shaking._

 _Dean knelt._

 _"Did they bite you?"_

 _His tone must have rubbed Sam the wrong way, maybe it was the cold disassociation that lingered in it. Sam recoiled from him, turning away._

 _"I didn't get bit," Sam snapped, anger undermined by pain._

 _Dean gave a nod and looked to the side, not wanting to admit any guilt as Sam's eyes settled on him with brevity, probing in that instant at a million things._

 _"Good," the response was as genuine as he could sound, therefore hollow and meaningless._

 _Dean watched Sam's shoulders curl forward as he withdrew and there was a throb of regret realizing that he'd hurt his brother far more than the werewolves. The effect was short lived and Dean only waited till Sam was standing and moving with relative clarity before stalking away._

* * *

Dean blinked away the memory and ducked his eyes away from the accusing presence of the electronic symbol. He'd let Sam languish in his torment and the least he could do was bear the weight alongside him. Dean turned back to the computer and took it into his lap. He glanced at the motel. Sam would know he was here, waiting, wondering if Dean was going to return as angry as he'd left, as empty. No, not this time, Dean would be armed when he entered.

He used the touchpad to start the sixth video.

* * *

 _The motel room was a little more noticeable than the others, magenta and fuschia colored hibiscus flowers dominating the interior design. Sam moved away sluggishly, arm held carefully from the injury gained during the werewolf hunt. He looked exhausted. Benny was standing by the bed, his face a little more set, that shifting nervous apprehension which marked a burning conscience had cooled. He was here to make his ends meet as he wanted._

 _Sam sat on the bed and Benny moved forward, movements more predatory then they'd ever been. He shoved Sam back and began his assault. First blood, from the upper arm, Sam becoming pale and weak. Then Benny took._

 _It passed rather quickly, rather quietly, rather unimportantly for something which felt so much more ruinous, destructive, catastrophic. It ended quietly as well, Benny raised himself from the bed, fixed himself inside his pants and zipped up the fly. He adjusted his clothing and left, this time not even caring to stop the video or help Sam. How weak rectitudes lie in the face of unimpeded or uncensored indulgence._

 _Sam didn't move for a while, his struggling, panting breath barely audible. Then he sort of fumbled himself of the bed, falling awkwardly to his knees. A hand was pressed against the carpet and Sam's head was bowed. A strangled cry sounded out, cut short as Sam's hand fisted into the cheap magenta shag. A quiet, curse word slipped out and inch by awful inch of composure was reinstated, was pieced together and worn like a masquerade. Sam stood, half dressed, bruised, before stumbling to the camera._

 _There was a scant shot of Sam's face, eyes hard and empty, before the video came to an end._

* * *

By now, the videos had pushed upon Dean a numb shock. The rage rose up, sank down to be replaced with grief and guilt before rising again; two feelings synchronic to each other, dancing. He paused the videos once again, unable to continue.

Was this even his to bear? Did he deserve to be privy to this after everything? What hypocrisy pushed him to keep watching, his own vulnerabilities hoarded close and kept secret, what gave him the right to steal the only thing left to Sam?

Shutting the laptop, Dean stashed it under the seat. Wiping his face in idiosyncratic habit, Dean opened the car door. He got out and headed for the motel room.

He hesitated at the door and stared at the peeling green paint. Taking the key he pressed it into the lock and turned it. The handle was easier to grasp and turn, the door easiest to push.

Stepping into the motel room he saw his brother, hands on hips and lips drawn tight, his whole body taut with tension and anxiety. Sam was standing there, his face constructed in a weak attempt to hide his fear and apprehension, it looked angry. Dean watched his brother take in his weary face and he saw something crumple in his brother. Sam's eyes flicked to the ground and his shoulders sank. Dean realized with pain that Sam had been clinging to anger as a way to cover everything else up.

Dean shut the door.

"How did the hunt with Benny go?" Sam's voice was accusatory and plied with a hint of disgust not as subtle as he might have intended.

"Fine," Dean said softly.

Sam was quiet, tension crackling along him. Dean turned around to see a brother on a flight or fight mode, barely scraping by an existence.

"Glad to be back though," Dean said, managing a sincere if dull smile.

Sam was frozen as Dean stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder with brotherly rapport. Dean stepped past and set about taking his shoes off.

"D-did something happen?" Sam asked, tongue darting out nervously to lick his lips.

"No," Dean replied.

Sam was quiet again, just as tense.

"Okay," he replied.

Sam shifted anxiously, still tense and trembling. He seemed to come to some kind of conclusion though and ducked his head, moving towards his own bed. Dean got himself ready, Sam did likewise and as the two laid down on the beds opposite of each other, Dean hesitated.

"Thank you, Sammy," he said solemnly.

Sam's head snapped up and he stared at Dean with a strange look in his eye.

"I'm lucky to have you as a brother," Dean finished his sentiments and in finishing them left his brother confused.

Dean could see it, Sam's arrant disbelief, some sort of shift, fear that this was all a precursor to some tenebrous turn of life as it was. Dean was going to prove that it was different, that he really did love Sam, that Sam was his brother. The first thing though was to kill Benny.

Sam went to sleep at some point, maybe around one in the morning. Dean lay staring at the ceiling. When he heard Sam fall into fitful sleep he turned on his side and found his gaze lingering on his jacket, the Impala's keys kept in one of the pockets.

Sam tossed, still asleep but plagued by some shadow in his dreams, monsters of a very human nature which were stalking him and stealing his only reprieve. Dean kept silent, feeling unworthy of waking his brother, of touching him and pretending like he was the deliverer. He saved nothing.

Standing up, visceral movements silent as death, he pulled on pants, his plain black t-shirt thin from use, a pair of bleach stained socks still on his feet. Dean grabbed the keys, fingers rounding around the bit of the key and then smoothing around the round bow. The air was warm, heat clinging to it long past the time the sun had gone down. Shoeless Dean headed to the Impala. He got in the front seat and pulled the laptop out from under the seat.

Like an automaton he turned it on, he opened the saved files and stared at the seventh video. Time was unimportant, these early hours were limbo, nothing happening, poised upon a state of being and not being, he didn't notice if minutes passed, seconds, or hours. All he knew was that at some point he played the next video.

* * *

 _Sam turned on the video as always, his flannel blocking the view till he backed away and showed a motel room as banal as the last. Sam's hands were clenched and he looked like he was going to be sick. Benny stood at the foot of the bed so like last time, eyes fastened to Sam with rapacious eagerness._

 _Sam turned, sat on the bed and laid down even as Benny advanced, it was like an egregious dance. Sam didn't fight, having given up apparently, spirit broken, not by Benny, instead by his brother, the only person who could._

 _Benny left Sam how he had the time before, not caring about anything, he paused though at the door, out of frame._

 _"You know, your brother was right, you are pathetic."_

 _The sound of the door slamming shut echoed in the camera._

 _Sam had began struggling to get off the bed as soon as Benny had gotten off him, fell, head slamming into the corner of the night stand. He landed on the floor and though not bleeding looked out of it._

 _Sam dazedly flung a hand out, catching the same night stand he'd hit, and pulled himself to a sitting position. Once in it his shoulders hunched forward and he wrapped his arms around himself. Sobs shuddered through his large frame. The video went on for another twenty minutes. It seemed that composure was harder to put together this time._

* * *

Dean cried, cried even as the video continued, Sam failing to keep from falling apart.. His vision was clouded and tears came out in a way he could never remember them falling. He collapsed over the steering wheel like it was an altar, wept a prayer to his home and for his brother and even for himself because some part of him, a part he had never been able to cut out, was selfish. He did not feel strong, he felt otiose and incapacitated by his own folly. He wept for his brother, for shared pain, for not holding him up as he had promised to always do, for having made the promise so flippantly, for having made the promise so seriously. He wept as he had when he was a little boy, ten years old and Sammy bleeding and Daddy sleeping and Dean so weak and unable to do anything.

He cried as his spirit broke, as it had only ever been able to, for his brother.

The laptop slid to the floor of the car, Dean let it.


End file.
